Alias sucks at writing.

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Re: Alias sucks at writing.

Postby S070 » Mon Aug 28, 2017 11:46 pm

Let me begin by saying you gave a misleading title to the thread. There is the ''Alias'' and the ''writing'' parts, which are true enough, but I struggle to find the ''sucks''. That was a nice story, engaging, fun to read. I'll proceed to describe some things I particularly enjoyed or think could be improved on the next paragraphs; inevitably there will be spoilers, so for anyone reading through this who isn't Alias and hasn't read the story, what are you waiting for? Give it a read, at the very least it should give you some laughs.

Let's start with the beginning. The cultural differences between the first two species introduced make for a good hook, only enhanced by the physiological oddities of the Txyp. Levitating fish weren't what kept me reading though, those fun little exchanges prior to the actual description of the brawl are amusing; I didn't expect the Txtp to defend their drinking habits!

However, it did get a little info-dumpy with some of the descriptions. Scientific speculation has always appealed to me so it wasn't much of an issue with the NED-bub, but learning about Jacob and his Romanticism that way felt rather forced. I do recognize that it makes sense for it to feel a little like that, Charles talks about Jacob because he deduced the next question would be about him. He is trying to save time, but that's not exactly what he manages by going on an in-depth description of Jacob's character. ''Show, don't tell'' comes to mind. Trust me, the flintlock would have done the job; the Neutron stars took it to a whole new level.

This is an odd thing to say but I appreciate your use of the vomit, didn't expect it to be weaponized twice. It could have very well been the secret ingredient, though I imagine it wouldn't hit as hard as the Oort Brews' little secret, would it? That ''did you just ask me what the secret ingredient was?'' moment was amusing.

Another thing I enjoyed was the idea of being saved by indecision, to think a swifter thinker would have been disintegrated. Or not really, if you take the twist into account. I would go into the plausibility of the science if it wasn't for that revelation, instead I'll just blame it on our "narrow visual spectrum" and "primitive intelligence."

Overall I would say it was an entertaining read. There are some things to watch out for but none that could stop this from being enjoyable. I think I've spotted only two sentences with an structure that bothers me, which I will underline next:

''Were you present in the settlement of Noskovic during the duration of the so-called "Noskovic brawl?"

''During the duration of'' sounds a bit redundant to me, I do see why you wouldn't just write ''during'' instead though, we need fancy sentences for the fish. I can't think of any fancy alternative that doesn't have some problem though, so I would just leave it to ''during''.

''...of all the things Uill's energy bolt hit, it happened to hit the vacuum full of Centaurian vomit''

Don't you mean ''of all the things Uill's energy bolt could have hit''? The ''it happened to hit'' gives me idea that the vacuum was the only thing hit, but ''of all the things Uill's energy bolt hit'' suggests there were multiple impacts. It's an energy bolt as well, I'm not sure how these work on this setting but unless it has some considerable AoE hitting multiple targets shouldn't be achievable.
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Re: Alias sucks at writing.

Postby Alias-Maxima » Tue Aug 29, 2017 10:30 am

Wow, S0, that's one helluva analysis! Thanks for being thorough!

I'm glad you enjoyed the story. I didn't intend to write a hard sci-fi style story; just a light piece, not too much dabbling into science or rationality.

I could attribute any dialogue errors to the imperfect nature of speech and/or translation, but that'd be a lazy excuse. Good points all around!
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Re: Alias sucks at writing.

Postby S070 » Tue Aug 29, 2017 12:06 pm

Alias-Maxima wrote:Wow, S0, that's one helluva analysis! Thanks for being thorough!

I'm glad you enjoyed the story. I didn't intend to write a hard sci-fi style story; just a light piece, not too much dabbling into science or rationality.

I could attribute any dialogue errors to the imperfect nature of speech and/or translation, but that'd be a lazy excuse. Good points all around!


If this was fueled by boredom, feedback is the only appropriate response. While we are at it, why not make it constructive feedback to help the ''out of practice'' part? Also I wouldn't want to see the dust piling up on this thread, in fact I wished to ask, are you still up for story suggestions? It would have to go to the end of the list of course, but I'm all up for waiting if it pleases the Lord of Branches. Looking forward to the product of the next premise, keep it up!
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Re: Alias sucks at writing.

Postby Alias-Maxima » Tue Aug 29, 2017 12:34 pm

I'm still up for story suggestions, though you'll have to wait some time since I'm taking these prompts maybe a bit too seriously.
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